Honest Advice Wheneverly

Food for thought…

If your first day of high school could be manifested into a living, breathing, thinking person (sex, your choice), which one of you would have the courage to ask the other, “Hey, wanna make out?”

Think about it.

Clearly, I’m bored.

Paul

So my birthday was on Friday. Looks like I’ve at least made it this far.

One thing that dawned on me a few times while I was drunk, and once again today after I had finally regained full lucidity: After looking at a bunch of older pictures of myself, I’ve found that as I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown way more handsome. What should I do with all this power? Let me know what you think by messaging me either using the Ask For Advice button or the Tell Me Something Interesting button.

You can also ask for advice. I don’t mind.

You can also ask me about anything else, even if it’s not for advice.

DiPharaoh

Anonymous: How do I move on from a past relationship if it ended bc they died? I have to force myself not to think about it because when I do, it's hell. I dissociate because of it, which scares me because a year ago (due to another reason) I stayed in a state like that for months at a time... I've met this amazing girl though and I want to be able to give her a chance. I just don't know how to begin moving on.

Dear anonymous,

Wow. Heavy shit, much? I’m sorry. I’ll be quite honest, I’ve never been in this situation. Not even close. So I’m definitely ill-equipped, but I will fucking try my best.

There’s not much for me to go on here, so I’ll just reflect on assumptions I’ve made based on what you’ve written to me.

First, it doesn’t really seem like you’ve let yourself grieve. Now, I’m not saying that you’re supposed to grieve. Some people don’t. However, the tone to your letter suggests that you want to, but haven’t. And know that when I say you should let yourself grieve, it’s different than grieving for grief’s sake.

I know that there’s some bullshit sense of courage and valor attached to the concept of looking death in the face and stonewalling the fuck out of it. “Be strong, be brave” and all that. And while that works for some people, and it does work for some, it’s different for others and it’s bullshit to think all wounds must be cauterized. Once again, it may work for you, but don’t feel any weaker if you feel the need to just let your feelings out. Some wounds need to bleed out before they heal, and it takes just as much courage to really dig in and unload how you feel about anything, let alone death. Let yourself grieve. It’s ok to have loved her. It’s ok to love her still. It’s ok to accept that she’s no longer here physically. It’s not ok to let that eat away at you, and that’s what you’re doing by forcing it out of your mind. Yes, it’s fucking hell to remember. It’s fucking scary to look that kind of hell in the face, but it’s what you need to do. You can’t find peace if you’re not looking for it. Much of the time, finding peace means confronting your fear, not ignoring it. And believe me, she’d want you to have peace.

Now about “moving on.” Moving on does not mean that you have to forget. Don’t ever let anyone tell you any fucking different. She is a significant part of your life. I say that she still is because she most likely helped you grow as a person. All of the growing that you do from here on out will pick up where she left off; so in a way, she’ll still have your back and she’ll still be making sure you don’t fuck shit up. There’s a horrible, greeting card cliche that we have that goes something like, “He/she will always be with you.” As schmaltzy as may be, it’s pretty true. You do not have to forget her, so don’t.

Now here comes the scary part that you’re afraid to own up to and face: letting someone else into your life. You probably think of it as letting someone else take her place. Don’t think that. I look at it this way: You probably realized at a pretty young age that you can easily have more than one best friend. You probably don’t have a favorite parent. You probably don’t have a favorite sibling. Why then should you be afraid of letting someone else have a chance to get close? You’re not replacing her. Not even close. You’re just starting something new. You’ve got enough love for every living thing in the universe to share. It’s a completely different story if you’re just not ready. If you’re not ready, take as much time as you need. However, if you feel like you’re just doubting yourself out of guilt, just quickly acknowledge it and then allow yourself to build a new room in your heart. There’s no need to feel guilty. You didn’t have to stop loving your friends to love her, so don’t feel like you have to stop loving her in order to love someone else. And don’t compare the two. EVER.

Finally, and this is the part that is as hard for me to say as may be for you to accept: It will get better if you just let it. I say this confidently because, if dealt with properly, every conflict can resolve this way. You must forgive the fact that she’s gone. You must forgive yourself for the pain you felt when she left. You must forgive yourself for trying to forget. You must revere the idea that you can still love her. You must forgive yourself for loving others from here on out.

You’ll smile when you remember her. You’ll thank her for having existed. That is when you will both have what you need.

Love,

Paul

Anonymous: I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl I've been friends with for over 5 years. A little before we started dating, I really liked this other guy but due to the fact my 'friend' made me feel like he'd never like me I never did anything about it. I've been in my relationship for around 20 months and I'm in love with her. But, the guy I liked(who isn't long distance) and myself have gotten so much closer in that time and I like him a lot. What should I do? I don't want to hurt either of em

Dear anonymous,

Are you fucking serious?! Fine… let’s get started.

You’re in a long-distance relationship. Kudos. Those are tough. I’ve been in one. I have time for this blog, so clearly it didn’t work out. Anywho, they’re tough like I said; because you can only get as much love and affection as can be passed through conversation. Instead of cuddling, you have Skype. Instead of sex, you both just masturbate to the thought of each other until you fall asleep, which begs the question: Is it cheating if you masturbate to someone else?

Still, long-distance is tough, but if you can do it, it can definitely be worth it. I’ve seen it happen.

NOW…

You’ve got this local dude. You like him. Before you (or anyone else) go judging yourself for that, they’re just feelings. They happen. You’ve also gotten closer to this dude, so it seems possible that those feelings might be well received and/or returned. This, however, brings you to quite a pickle: You don’t want to hurt either of them.

My advice? If you don’t want to hurt any of them, don’t. If this guy expresses interest in you, let him know that you’re involved with someone. Trust me, it’ll go down easier. People ask other people out all the time and get rejected because of this kind of situation. That happens, and he’ll probably understand. In the meantime, your lady friend across the sea/land/space/quantum leap won’t have to go through the pain of being dumped via tweet.

However, the advice that I always give to people in this kind of situation (or any, for that matter) is to be honest. That is, be honest with yourself, your lady friend, and this dude. If you’re really in love with this woman, then give that relatioship everything you’ve got. If you really want to start over with that dude, prepare to let go of your woman; and prepare for it to hurt. If you decide to do things dishonestly, like cheat or whatever, then prepare for everyone to get hurt.

Bye, I love you.

DiPharaoh

Anonymous: Hey! For 2 weeks my crush would show up in front of my classes & just stare at me. Lately he hasnt been showing up anymore but whenever he walked past me like twice last week he walked really close to me. We've never spoken before & i dont know what he may be thinking. If he liked me wouldnt he talk to me first? Hes not shy around other girls.. & if he did like me why did he stop paying attention to me?

Dear anonymous,

You’re thinking way too much about this. What really sucks is that you’re putting yourself through so much grief over, quite literally, nothing.

I’m assming you’re both pretty young and fairy new to the whole fucked up, amalgamated world of puberty and primal fear known as dating. Here’s something that you should consider: People are fucking weird sometimes. He might have been showing up at your classes because he was interested. He also might have been showing up and staring at you because he’s a sociopath. I don’t know, and it sounds like you don’t know either because you never fucking bothered to find out.

I know that the perceived normal thing for him to do would have been to approach you confidently and make with some kind of small-talk that would lead to him asking you out on a date or whatever. However, I feel that the “normal” thing happens maybe 40% of the time. The rest of the time, especially at whatever young age you are, it involves hear-say being passed around between your friends and his friends before one of you finally has the fucking stones to approach the other.

Keep in mind, also, that starting the whole conversation isn’t just his job. You can do your part, too. Maybe he’s just too nervous and unsure to approach. Maybe you should take the lead.

He might not be shy around other girls, but that might mean something different. It really depends on who these girls are. They might all just be good friends of his. Yes, guys have female friends, too. Fucking shocking, right? Or maybe they’re all his concubines. I don’t know. Maybe you should talk to him and find out? *HINT*

He also might have stopped paying attention to you because he was waiting for you to approach him. Sometimes, all that’s needed to break the barrier between being strangers and being friends is the word “hi.” I l like to say, “Tsup.” Whatever floats your boat, really. Point is, if he’s your crush or whatever, you’ve probably told your friends. Your friends have probably told his friends (because friends just like to fuck things up that way). After a while, people get tired of all the hear-say bullshit and wanna see something real happen. If you just kind of walked past him while he was trying to let you know that he knew who you were, them you might have sent a signal that read ::DISINTERESTED::.

The point of all my fucking rambling? Don’t wait for things that you want to just happen. If you like a dude, just go up and approach him. Who gives a shit if it’s not the norm? At least you’ll find out if he’s interested or not. And always make sure that you understand that rejection is possible, if not probable. Always make sure that you know that rejection isn’t fatal. Most importantly, just be honest with yourself and whomever you might be interested in. Just be all like, “Wanna hang out?” and if he’s all like, “Kay,” then you’re halfway in! Just stop wasting your time having a pissing contest with yourself over nothing.

Jesus is love,

DiPharaoh

Anonymous: Hi! Theres a guy in my school. He is asocial and doesnt have lots of friends and he is not a cool guy but he is 2 years older than me so i thought we could date. I talked about my thoughts everybody to make them go and tell him and he would ask me out because im beautiful enough for him:) But things didnt happen like that he texts me sometimes but he doesnt talk to me in school he says its better if we act like we are strangers. Im not sure should i keep going or give up?

Dear anonymous,

Stay away. There’s something scary about saying that it’s better if you act like strangers. The only reason that it’s kind of scary to me is that you mentioned he’s antisocial. So what that statement could mean is that not only does is he not interested in you, he just plain doesn’t like you. However, what it probably means is that he truly doesn’t like anyone. The way you’ve described him screams “sociopath” to me.

Then again, I’ve taken way too long to answer this question, so you’ve probably come up with your own answer. Who knows? You guys might be dating already and thinking up brilliant new ways to hate people. Whatever the situation may be, I hope it’s worked out for you.

DiPharaoh

Anonymous: hey. so i really, really hate who i am. i never feel good enough. the thing i hate about myself is my appearance, for the most part because of some acne that won't go away no matter what. i know it's shallow but most people critize appearance more than personality nowadays. i'm a nice person, i've been told, but i still think i am shallow and annoying. i just hate who i am so much, and think everybody else is better. people have told me its not true but idk, i still feel bad. any advice?

Dear anonymous,

I’m really sorry it’s taken so long to get back to you.

I’ll be honest with you: This one’s really hard for me to answer because I’m in the same boat way too often. Let’s see if I can help, though.

To be honest, as far as the whole appearance thing goes, I don’t think I’ve met too many people who’ve really thought they were fucking perfect in appearance. Actually, let me rephrase that. I haven’t met many people who’ve perceived themselves as beautiful without being total cunts/douchebags. Most of the people I’ve met have their own hangups about their appearances. Some people are fat, others are too skinny. Some are bald. Some are blondes when they want to be brunettes or vice versa. The list goes on and on, but the point is that it’s not all that uncommon for people to have a “grass is greener” complex about their appearances.

And people judge appearance a lot less than you think. I don’t have any numbers to prove it, but human beings are social. Compound that with the fact that it’s a big world out there, you’re bound to find people that you like.

You’re nice? Cool. So am I. Next thing.

I can’t really tell how young you are, but you sound relatively young. You haven’t really given me an insight as to what you really hate about yourself other than your appearance, so I’m assuming that all your self-hatred is a product of puberty and social growth both mugging you at the same time.

I’ve found that the best way to deal with this kind of thing is to try seeing things a bit differently. You think that everyone else is better, but think about this: There are probably a lot of those people who think that you’re better somehow, and it carries itself on in every direction. Point is, it’s a major waste of time to think of people as “better” or “worse.” You just exist, and that’s really the only choice you haven’t made. Your perceptions are all yours and they can change whenever you really want them to.

Try appreciating the things that you can do. Then try appreciating the things that others can do.

Once again, I’m not sure that the thing you’re talking about is actually self-hatred, it’ll be easier to deal with once you just let yourself exist. Jesus christ.

DiPharaoh

Anonymous: I'm depressed. So so depressed. And life isn't so bad. But I'm giving up. I'm so close to going to London for college, all I need to do is study. Instead, I do nothing. I'm not stupid, somewhere deep down I know I can make it. I just can't mobilise myself. Everytime I start having "contact" with the real world, I bury my mind in all sorts of imaginary happiness. I imagine being someone I'm not. I live in my own world. I'm sad and I'm lonely and I grew up faster that I should have. I'm confused

Dear anonymous,

I know how you feel. I go between having been there and being there more often than I’d like to admit, but that’s just how things go sometimes.

It’s definitel difficult to know that you’re not stupid; it’s hard knowing that you have potential and that for some reason, you’re not living up to as much of it as you’d prefer. However, the gut-wrenching truth of it all is that you can still act stupid even if you’re not stupid. The potential that you want to live up to exists within you, and you have to take the steps forward to do it. Nevermind how the normal people tell you how to do it. Take it however fast that you want, but you might be surprised at how much you can do once you get into it.

I think the most difficult thing about your situation is the fact that you’re afriad of something, and you don’t seem to want to admit to anyone what that might be. You might even be hiding it from yourself. I don’t know. And I can totally relate: living in your own world, the imaginary happiness, being someone else, growing up too fast. I get it. It’s all a part of that fear of whatever. It’s not easy having to suffer through it and I’m definitely not the one to give you the answer as to how to defeat it, but the imaginary happiness and everything else can easily become a part of your reality if you let it. Don’t mistake it for heaven; it’s not. Don’t think it’ll come easily either, because it probably won’t. And don’t think you’ll get it all at once. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the best things in life come with at least a little work, time, and sometimes, pain. Even then, the best things in life are only as good as you allow them to be.

To sum it up, quit being such a pussy. I know you’re depressed and everything and it might sound a little mean, but you came here. Force yourself to go outside. If you see something that you have even a marginal amount of interest in and you have nothing better going on, maybe you should at least try to look into it. Accept the possibility that things might get scarier as you go. Accept that you’ll experience failure and pain. Accept that there will be things that you’ll have to do. Go do them. Don’t go thinking that your goal in life is eternal happiness and, should you achieve it, you’ll be “done.” I haven’t been alive much longer than you have (I’m guessing), but talk to anyone who’s been around a while. Many of them are happy with their lives, but it’s likely than none of them will tell you that it was work, work, work, work, pain, work, bliss and that’s it. So far, life’s shown me that it’s all an ongoing, amorphous happening that continues to change as it goes. Like you, I’m a confused, unsure, afraid, lazy motherfucker, but what keeps me going is not knowing for sure what’s going to come next. You’ll see what you get to see and do what you get to do in your lifetime and you’ll at least get to say that for what you’ve had, you’ve lived and died with the best and worst of them.

Cheer up, pussy.

Your pal,

DiPharaoh

Anonymous: me and my ex talk again. but whenever we talk, he doesn't say much and whenever we walk together, he walks faster to avoid talking me.

Dear anonymous,

Leave him the fuck alone and move on. You’re not friends and you probably will never be friends again, but you’ll be just fine.

Love,

DiPharaoh